WATCHING FROM THE OUTSIDE, LIVING FROM THE INSIDE...

I have a friend at church whose sister is dying from schleroderma. Her parents have been for the most part living away from home to be with their other daughter as she tries to deal with this nasty disease and the many surgeries she's had to go through in the past year.  Lately things have been worsening for the sister.  Last week she had to endure another surgery, this time by epidural as her heart is too weak to withstand being put under, and I lived in fear that she would be dead by today.  Thankfully for the family she is still alive. 

You see, she is having bowel problems, just like my aunt Kath was having at the end.  I thought that if my friend's sister had to have bowel removed, as was anticipated originally, that was the end of her sister.  I really felt that I was watching another family from the outside, while inside reliving what we had already gone through with Kath's last weeks, and I felt myself just waiting for the dreaded call of "she's gone"...  Thankfully, they did not have to remove any bowels.  The surgeons found that the bowels had become wrapped around her stoma, I believe, where the colostomy had been performed earlier last year.  So that was quickly and easily repaired, while she still had the epidural without need of doing anything more serious.

My heart goes out to my friend and her family.  I know how they suffer watching their family member suffer.  I also know just how quickly she can be taken  away from them... 

How my heart aches still for my Grama.  I know she misses her daughter so much.  My heart aches over my own loss.  I sure miss my aunt, too.  I miss our talks and laughs...  I am grateful when my Grama and I can talk about her.  Sometimes it's a bittersweet time, but sometimes it's good....  Sometimes it's a good thing to get those tears out.

Kath, if you are looking over my shoulder, like I like to think you are.  Please know that I love you so much and miss you as much.  My love will never ever grow old.  NEVER!!!

My Comfort Picture

February 2009, Kath & Grama @ Tonya's home

Slow Healing...

It's been rough not having you close by, Kath. We all miss you so much. I know that you are in my heart and that you are listening to me, but oh how I wish I could hear you speak to me. How I wish I could give you a hug. Just one little smile...  We all have our good days and our good moments when we think "okay, Kath, we can do this while you watch from above" and then BAM! something just brings us stumbling to our knees...

I came stumbling to my knees today in a crashing wreck of a mess today, Kath. I'm sorry. I know you're upset with me over it. I just couldn't help myself. I thought I was doing "okay". But I don't know what happened. I was working away and next thing I knew someone came in and told me that one of the guys mom died today. And I thought "okay, I can handle this - this is the 3rd death since Kath died, I can handle it. Today's her memorial. I can handle this..." And I was okay - really, I mean, I could tell my mood was lower than it was, but I was okay. Until 30 minutes later when I got word that another employee lost his sister this afternoon who was about your age, Kath. And then I kinda just came to a skidding halt and lost it. I was a mess. I'm sorry. I'm still a mess. I know this isn't what you want, Kath. I'm real sorry - I am. I promise to do better tomorrow, but right now, I just have to get through tonight...

I miss you, Kath... So much...

At some point I think we all wonder what will my legacy be, what will people remember about my time on this earth. When I think of Kath, I think of many things. Her thoughtfullness, her strength, her compassion, but mostly her generosity. Her unending, unlimited generosity.

I came across a poem the other day and as I read it I thought, Wow! If Kath could give us words of comfort right now (and we all know she would) I think it would probably be something like this . . .

Remember . . .

I'm There, In Your Heart

I know there is sorrow

where laughter once played,

And lingering tears,

causing gladness to fade,

But there's a sweet comfort

our memories impart,

So always remember . . .

I'm There, In Your Heart

You'll be forever in my heart Kath
Love Connie

Remember Ton, Don't tell Grama...

One of the times my Aunt Kath was in the hospital [just 2 weeks before this last hospitalization], I was going to see her after work, and called her first to see if I could bring her anything.  You know, thinking she'd say a book or something of the sort, if she wanted anything.  She surprised me with, "Really, Ton? You're coming? Good! I'm starved! Can you sneak me something in to eat?"  Not exactly what I was expecting to say the least, but I laughed and was more than happy to oblige her because it had been so many days since I'd seen her actually eat!  So I asked her if some mashed potatoes from KFC sounded good and of course it did - anything sounded good to her after not being able to eat for a week or better...  So I did, I sneaked in some mashed potatoes [with gravey] and a side of banana pudding - you know, dessert!

A side of mashed potatoes from KFC isn't very big and she couldn't eat the whole thing, but you would have thought they were the very best potatoes ever made in the entire world that night!  And every little noise that came from the hallway made those mashed potatoes go running for the bed covers!  Of course with her being in for severe abdominal pain and diarrhea, she wasn't suppose to be eating anything [though she was discharged the next morning!].  After a little break from the potatoes and all our chatting - we didn't know how to stop once we got started! - she had made some room to try the banana pudding.  I was surprised she hadn't ever tried banana pudding.  It's a southern staple in the South! [It's at every church dinner and every potluck you ever attend!]  One bite and she was "umm....", "oooo...", "this is good...!" and I had to assure her that the pudding she was eating was nothing, since it was from a can, compared to homemade banana pudding!  Her eyes glazed in pure delight!  I promised when she got well enough I was going to make some for her...  Sadly, she never got well enough to feel up to eating any...  She would have loved it!

Again, every noise from the hall sent that bowl of pudding into hiding!  We laughed about my "smuggling contraband" into the hospital!  And how we'd have to keep it from Grama, because she'd be mad as a wet hornet at us if she found out!  She's by the book, when it comes to "doctor's orders"!  :-)  Before I left, she reminded me not to tell Grama...  I assured her I did NOT want Grama's wrath on either of us.  Apparently this was not enough assurance for her --  half way home she called me on my cell, "Tonnie, don't forget -- Don't tell Grama that you brought me some food! She'll be so mad at us if you do!"  :-)  I promised her again I did not want Grama's wrath on either of us, I'd made it this long without it, I intended to keep going without it!  

Well, I guess she'll find out now, Kath.  Do you think she'll find it as funny as you and I did about our "smuggled contraband"?  I think she will!  Thanks for the laugh and the memory, Kath!  It was fun!  I love you and miss you so much, Friend!

So Many Well Wishes & Prayers From Family & Friends

Tue, Jan 26, 2010 at 9:12 PM

I am one of Kathey's friends in the condo's. I am so sorry to hear about Kathey's condition and have been concerned about Ev.....I am currently in xx but want to be kept updated re: Kathey's condition....We shared a love of dogs and books and playing cards. I am keeping her in my prayers and Ev also. This has to be a very hard time for you and am wondering if you are in FL with them or??? Please keep us all updated as to her condition..... E-Mail me anytime or call-xxx-xxx-xxxx. Again--I'm so sorry Kathey is losing the battle but pray for the best outcome--whatever that is.
Jan R


Tue, Jan 26, 2010 at 9:56 PM

Tanya, 

Thank you for sharing this blog with me. I am a condo neighbor of Ev and Kathey's. Kathey will be MISSED here also. I am so concerned if Ev will be able to live alone, her own health is very fragile. Please give her a big hug for me.
Betty M


Tue, Jan 26, 2010 at 10:27 PM

Tonya

I just received a call from my friend Sue and she told me that Kathey had died. Please know my thoughts are with your family. I knew Kathey for only a few years, but she quickly became a very special friend to me. We e-mailed each other on a daily basis when she wasn't so sick. I loved her and will miss her dearly. She will always hold a special place in my heart. Please let Eve know she is in my thoughts and prayers.
 
RIP Kathey.
Brenda


Wed, Jan 27, 2010 at 10:41 AM

TONYA, 

WE ARE SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT KATH IS SO SICK. SHE'S A GREAT GAL. I KNOW THAT SHE HAS BEEN ILL FOR SOMETIME, BUT NOT LIKE THIS. PLEASE TELL EVE THAT WE WILL BE PRAYING FOR HER.
Pat S


Wed, Jan 27, 2010 at 8:05 PM

My Sister

All of us here on earth should take a deep breath, let it out slowly, look up and smile. There's a good woman who just walked through those pearly gates and knowing Kathey Jo Davis, she'll try to make Heaven better.

Kath's with You now Lord. You took her too soon ! Wish I could have said good-bye. But we must believe, You needed her now.

Lord, Kath will never be satisfied with, like changing the decor, moving furniture around or detailing her car. Or, "we gotta get this cleaned". She always had to be busy. But for us who grieve, we wish You could have given her more good years. Kathey will no longer be burdened with that earthly body of pain; She had enough suffering.

There are these people who hold our hands, comfort us and somehow change our darkest nights into the brightest of days. Kath was one of these wondrous people.

There are these people who share their joy, their laughter, even their mistakes if they think it might invoke a laugh, or simply a smile for a friend, a sibling or anyone one around. That was Kath.

She gave her best to not only her beloved family, but to all her friends too. Growing up, Kath was joined at the hip with Jeanie but they were always fighting. She watched me & Bud like we were her own and spoiled us rotten ! Kath took care of Dad when he was sick alongside Mom. She went out of her way to help any of us or anybody for that matter. And Kathey couldn't cook ! She always burned the food ! But at least she tried.

And we pray, Lord, that you'll let her spirit wander among us forever. Kath is with Dad now and it's kinda comforting knowing they're waiting for each of us. We'll carry on Kath, because you'll forever be a part of us. For some of us, it will be difficult to remember life without you !

See you there someday.

With all my love,
Dino
January 27. 2010


Thu, Jan 28, 2010 at 7:56 AM

Tonya,

Clark found this in our spam. I am so grateful he did! What a beautiful job you did with this!! Your words and thoughts are expressed with great integrity and love. Be very proud as I am sure your Aunt Kathey and grandma are as well as the whole family. This will help eliminate a lot of question and answers for everyone and make it much easier for the family. I can't express what a wonderful job you did and how touching and sad it is.

We feel so much sadness for all of you. I am so glad that mom came in town and Aunt Eve and Kath came to Barb's to see her this past summer. It gave us a short visit before they went down there. We took some good pictures of them. I'll have to send them to you. We think God had them in the right spot, with all of you down there, for all of you during this time of sickness and loss. God is so awesome and in control and His plans are divine. It is hard to loose people we love but as you said so very sacred to those that get to leave to go sit with our heavenly father. She has no pain now and I am sure should she be able she will be a guardian angel to all of you, she and Uncle Clayton both.

Give Aunt Eve and the family our love. If there is anything we might be able to do for you please ask. We will donate some money instead of flowers to help as requested. Thank you again.

In Jesus' love,
Debbie and Clark


Thu, Jan 28, 2010 at 8:38 AM

Dearest Tonya,

I wanted to Thank you so very very much for Kathey's Korner. You did an amazing job on it. As I read it (thru a flood of tears) I felt as though I were there with her which as you know I so very desperately wanted to be. I just wanted to be with her.

I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love so much suffer so. I'm sure it was equally as hard for you to then write it all down. You are an amazingly strong woman just like your gramma.

Kathey's Korner is such a comfort to me. I'd like to offer some words of comfort to you and all who loved Kathey so much. Reading and praying these words has helped comfort me through many of the trials I've faced.

1 Peter 5:10

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace (who imparts all blessing and favor) Who has called you to his (own) eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely,and strengthen, and settle you.

Love Connie


Thu, Jan 28, 2010 at 12:58 AM

To Tonya & Kathey's family...our prayers are with you.

Please tell Ev that we have her and Kathey in our prayers. May the knowledge that Kathey's suffering from this terrible disease finally being over bring you peace and comfort.

She was our friend here in Ohio and we'll sadly miss her!
Hugs to you from XX -
Cheryl and Jan


Thu, Jan 28, 2010 at 1:57

Thank you for letting us know what's going on . This is very hard to believe we just saw your Grandma & Kath a couple of weeks ago when Bud was in the hospital . Tell Kath & Grandma we're sending our Prayers and love . May God Bless her she's a sweetheart.

Lots-Of-Love 

BOB & CAROL

Day 14 – 26 JANUARY 2010

Eight minutes after sending out an email to as many addresses as I could come up with, my aunt took her last breathe.

At 4:15 this afternoon, in the presence of just her mom, she left her earthly home to return home to her Heavenly home.

My Grama was talking to Kath telling her how much she loves her and how wonderful she is. That she'll always be with her. She gave her a kiss. It's the last kiss she received while alive, and it was from her mama.

I had walked out to call my mom to tell her she needed to come back up that the end was coming and would be here this evening. Kath's breathing had become too shallow for my comfort and her color had paled – I knew it was coming – I just didn't think it was seconds away. I would never have left my Grama alone had I thought that. Perhaps it was meant to be. Perhaps they were suppose to be alone in Kath's last couple of minutes. I hope that's the case...

A mother losing a child is wrong. The order is wrong... Not that I want it to be my Grama, please don't think that! I don't want that either! I don't want neither! It just hurts like no one can imagine to see the pain that my Grama is going through to have this loss. It's just not right – nor is it right...

My mom took the news fairly well. She's at peace knowing her “seester” is no longer in pain and suffering. I didn't get to talk to my uncle, but I guess he too took the news fairly well as well. I did talk to my other aunt, and she was upset – still reeling from the loss of her big sister – I wasn't much help – her tears made my tears flow as well... I became choked and couldn't speak much... I had hoped to be strong and be a help for the family – boy did I wimp out quick...

I love you, Kath!

God Be With You Til We Meet Again!

DAY 13 - 25 JANUARY 2010

Happy Birthday, Grama.

My Grama is spending her birthday caring for her daughter in the hospital, watching her breathe in and breathe out. Her daughter who is her very dear and best friend. Her daughter who sleeps so soundly, she doesn't move a muscle; she might twitch an eye muscle occassionaly, but other than that, she just sleeps...and breathes.

My Grama has spent her birthday checking drainage bags, checking pain medication schedules, talking to nurses, washing my aunt's face, talking to my mom and I about care schedules, adjusting my aunt's oxygen mask... Some celebration...

She should be celebrating it with my aunt Kath -- AWAKE, VIBRANTLY ALIVE, AND WELL!!!! This isn't a very "happy" birthday... It's a birthday, but not a happy one...

I'm very grateful to have my Grama alive and well. Though I wonder just how "well" she feels when her heart is broken... Can't feel that great... I know how mine feels... Empty... Angry... Hollow... Nauseated... Achy... Desperate for a miracle...

I'm so grateful for the past 2 years that Kath and Grama have driven down to spend time with me and my family [I know that they didn't do it just for me, they did it for my Mom as well!] I still am grateful and feel blessed that Kath is here during this sacred time, that I can be here with her during this; that I am able to be with my Grama during this sacred time. Yes, I do think dying is a sacred time. It's a time when the dying is close to God and Jesus, thus making it sacred...

Kath's color remains great. Her breathing is steady and actually calmer than ever. It has less "gurgle" to it than before. She's receiving less meds to keep her sedated, staying asleep on her own without it. Her oxygen count and pulse rate remain steady and about the same as when she was brought up from ICU. Her swelling hasn't went down any. Many of her blisters have popped turning into nasty looking sores. She is still extremely sore to the touch. We heard actually cough for the first time in a couple of days, though she didn't wake to do so, as she had been doing in the past. She didn't wake this morning as she had the past two mornings. I'm so thankful that Grama was able to speak to her yesterday via the phone... Kath just appears to be in a very peaceful sleep... Her friend Jan called. We always tell her when someone calls asking about her. We still believe and hope that she can still hear us. I don't leave without telling her what's going on. I want her to know... Because I do think she can hear. Maybe she won't remember when she wakes - I feel better just for telling her... She's such a special gal! I love her and am going to miss her so badly!

I love you, Kath Jo!

DAY 12 - SUNDAY, 24 JANUARY 2010

Well, my fighter continues to hang in there. She looks great! Her tan from last Spring is still present - making me still look ever white next to her! :-) She comes from good stock - they are all fighters, what more can I say...?

Yesterday morning she woke up and tried to reply "Morning" to my Mom when she told her "Good Morning". This morning she woke again and my Grama was able to talk to her on the phone and my Mom said that Kath was responding with facial emotions and when my Grama told Kath that she was her best friend Kath almost cried... [Makes me cry...] Also, Kath tried to say the words "I Love You" but they just didn't come out...

Today while we were at the hospital, her nurse had to move her hand to check the site of one of her drains and in doing so caused much pain for Kath. Due to the pain, Kath actually woke. Grama was blessed with being able to look Kath in the eyes once more and talk to her. Though Kath was unable to say anything back, we know she was listening intently to Grama.

She hears everything we say. We've caught her smiling, raising her eyebrows, and making other facial gestures. Yes, she knows we are with her and talking to her. And we do talk to her.

Grama read cards to her today that she's received from Nadine, Kath's baby sister and Jan, Kath's good friend. You could tell that Kath was emotionally touched by both cards. How I wish I knew what she was thinking or was wanting to say. It's like she's trapped in her body that is just so tired and worn out from fighting pain to be able to wake to chat with us. Of course, the meds don't help. But without the meds, she just couldn't bear the pain as well as she's done.

I have failed to say, I think in earlier posts, how wonderful her family has been to her. Of course, you can only imagine what my Grama is going through... It's so heartbreaking. Not only are they mother and daughter, they are also best of friends. This has been very painful for them both.

My mom has not left the hospital since learning of Kath's eminent departure on Wednesday. Since Kath moved into a private room in the Palliative Care Unit, she's slept in her room [that was Thursday], keeping a big sister watchful eye on her. I've asked my Mom to go home and get some good rest, and thought she was going to bite my head off! :-) [Guess she wasn't ready to leave her "seester", huh?]

Kath's only & baby brother, Bud, drove straight through from Toledo the day after her surgery to be here with her, arriving here on the 15th. He was at the hospital every day, almost every hour, only leaving to take Grama home so she could rest her aching back. Business took him away yesterday. He was sad to leave, but had no choice. [There isn't anything anyone can do.]

Kath's baby sister, Nadine, calls every day from Toledo and sends prayers Kath's way and my Grama's way as well. Offering support to my Grama as she can. She too, wanted to fly down as well, but as I've said, there isn't anything anyone can do. We just watch Kath breathe in and out. We talk to her hoping she's hearing us... We tell Grama when she's walking almost in half, that she's pushing herself just too hard, please, go home... Nadine and Bud are going to be such a help to my Grama when she needs to return back to Toledo, I pray they will be there for her then. And I know they will be.

We're a small family - but a very close family. I don't have a large family, but the family I have is so important to me...

I continue to pray for my Aunt Kath. I pray that she's not in pain. I pray that she dreams of happiness, of joy as she sleeps. I pray that the end will be as she wishes - while she sleeps. I pray the Lord will be merciful and come to her while she sleeps. I pray the end will come quickly for her. I pray her suffering will end soon...

DAY 10 - FRIDAY - 22 JANUARY 2010

Kath continues to sleep and rest. I'm so thankful we were able to visit with her while and when we could on Wednesday. She's been able to see and talk to her mom, oldest sister, brother, only niece, middle nephew, grand-niece, and nephew-in-law. She's received many well wishes from her youngest sister, sister-in-law, both brother-in-laws, both the oldest and youngest nephews, grand-nephew, aunts, cousins, many other family members [my brain is so tired, forgive me,  please] neighbors, and so many friends. She is so loved.

She continues to hold on and fight. To me she's Kath Jo a.k.a. "Muhamad Ali". Don't get in the ring with her - you won't win! :-) She's got such strength. Of course fighting this disease all these years, proves just how strong she is. I don't think just anyone could have dealt with the pain like she has all this time.

The hardest part of all this is watching and knowing my aunt Kath is in pain. I can't stand knowing she's hurting. If only I could take the pain away from her...  Also, I hate seeing my Grama's heart breaking. I've said it before - Mothers should not have to go through this! This is just so hard on her. Not only is she losing her daughter, but she's losing her very best friend as well. My aunt Kath was there for my Grama when she was dealing with my Grampa's illness and death. She was there for her when she was learning how to become a widow...  She's always been there for my Grama. My Grama is going to miss her so much.

Watching my mom's heart break is hard as well. They may have fought like cats and dogs as kids, but they've become good friends as adults - especially over the past years. As Kath would say, they are "seesters"!! :-) It hurts my mom to see her sister like this. If this was happening in 20-30 years from now, it would be easier, maybe, but not at this young age!

DAY 9 - THURSDAY - 21 JANUARY 2010

They moved my Aunt Kath to the 7th floor today. The 7th floor is the Palliative Care Unit. It's where all the cancer patients are. She's been sent here for "end of life" care. Grief, this isn't right! She's too darn young to be going through this! She's too good of a person to be going through this! This just isn't right! It isn't fair! It just makes me so dang mad!!!

I am a Believer, but I would be telling a lie if I said this doesn't make me mad at Him. I know He's in control and He has a reason for all He does, but darn - is this necessary? Really? She's got a heart of gold. She's a faithful person. She's a good person. She'd never do anything to hurt another. She loves her family and they've always come first in her life - even now - they still continue to come first with her...

I just don't understand...

She's no longer communicating with us. Her fever seems to be really high, her body is so hot. The nurses are so compassionate on this floor. We were worried that they would not have the time to give her the attention she would need for the pain medications she requires [she gets one shot every 15 minutes, one every hour and another every 4 hours], but they have been wonderful.

Atleast we're not being run out of her room like we were in ICU, and can stay in here around the clock and do not have to pick up a phone and be let in the door like we were in ICU. We are able to come and go much easier and be with her so much better. I think this is going to be easier for Grama to sit with her. She's had to do so much standing and walking while Kath has been in ICU...

DAY 8 - WEDNESDAY - 20 JANUARY 2010

It's an ugly day out. The heavens have opened and the angels are shedding their tears today. It's very dark and dreary. It's the ugliest day I've seen in sometime. Lightening everywhere. Flooding. Tornado watches and warnings. It foretells of sadness...

The doctor with Palliative Care came for an assessment today, along with Kath's surgeon and it was not good. This is hard to write. It's been very hard on the family, especially on my Grama... The doctors determined that the surgery was not successful and the scleroderma has completely taken over... Kath gave a DNR order and they have to abide by her wish. The ventilator was removed.

On the upside, Kath is awake and responsive today and it has been nice to be able to see her beautiful smile again. She's been able to talk some to us by a very gentle whisper with very few words. It's a wonderful blessing that we are so grateful for. To hear her tell us that she loves us has been music to our ears that we'll never forget, but will long to hear again, I'm sure in the near future.

She stayed pretty medicated throughout the day and night so visiting was very minimal as was communicating with Kath. Her energy is extremely low. Her fever is high and rising. Her pain is extremely high. It fluctuates between 8 and 10. She cannot be touched at all without putting her in worse pain. It's so heartbreaking. You want to hold her hand or rub her freezing cold feet, but it's too excruciating for her. She's breaking out in blisters from all the fluids - it has no where else to go. Just more pain... As if she didn't already have enough...

We pray they can make her comfortable and ease her pain. How will we make it without her...???  My Grama...  My heart just aches for her...  Mothers should not have to go through the loss of their children -- of any age!!

DAY 5 -- SUNDAY, 17 JANUARY 2010

Four days in ICU and no major setbacks. No improvements, but no setbacks. Kathey still maintains good color. Her BP is still good, as well as her pulse rate. Her CVP [central venous pressure] is lower today, but I noticed she doesn’t have as many bags hooked up to her, so perhaps that’s to be expected. I learned that today, Kath’s bowels have been working since day one -- that’s a very good thing as it was a huge concern right after surgery if her small bowel (intestine) would work again after the surgery. So I was glad to learn that today. She didn’t open her eyes while I was there today. I’m actually glad of that as I think the more she rests, the less she’s aware of her pain and perhaps the more she’ll heal.

Grama was able to talk with Kath’s surgeon while we were there. She said Kath’s urine output was better, and that the other doctor may reconsider taking Kath off the ventilator in the next couple of days.

Kathey’s daytime nurse, Darlene, atleast she's the one she’s had thus far, has taken good care of her. Kathey is a neat-freak. Darlene brushes Kath’s teeth and puts drops in her eyes, washes her face, and more… These are things that we can obviously see that is getting done every day… I’m so thankful that she’s being taken care of while we aren’t there and really aren't able to do these things for her with all the hook-ups she has.

I seen that Kath is receiving FAT!!! I had to take a picture of it! Can you believe it??? FAT!!! Yes, fat, the stuff that most people want to lose! So I took a picture of it and a few other things -- and got in trouble… Bummer! I didn’t mean to get in trouble… But I just couldn’t resist the one of the bag of fat emulsifier! :-)

Please continue to pray for my Aunt!

DAY 4 -- SATURDAY, 16 JANUARY 2010

Kathey rested all night once her drip was increased to more than 3 times the original amount. It still bothers me to think how miserable and how bad the pain must have been when she woke up from the anesthesia… I love her so much… She continues to rest well today.

Her surgeon looked in on her early this morning while admitting another patient into ICU at my request. I was also blessed with being able to see her again and talk to her later this morning. She said she’s pleased with the increase of Kathey’s urine output lately. She mentioned that though Kathey is past the original 48-hours 1st discussed that she’s still not out of the woods. I don’t think it takes an MD to give that diagnosis. She also said that after looking at the notes from the respiratory therapists she was going to let her partner who is the ICU doctor in charge make the assessment and decision of when to take Kath off the ventilator. We’re hoping that it will be today so that perhaps Kath will be able to ask for meds herself when we’re not around to speak up for her.

I think it will be a long time before I ever get over my aunt Kath looking at me with such pleading and tears in her eyes to take her home…. Oh, how my heart just broke….

The ICU doctor assessed Kath -- he’s not going to give the order to remove the ventilator… His reasoning is understandable. He said it will be a long time before he considers it…. Ugh! Boy this really bites for my aunt! She’s just on such high does of meds….

Well, tomorrow is another day, I pray for progress in the right direction!

DAY 3 -- FRIDAY, 15 JANUARY 2010

It’s closing in on the 48 hours and she’s coming out of the anesthesia. She’s waking up and feeling the pain. I don’t like that she’s so alert and aware of her pain. She’s asking to go home. I told her I’d take her home when she got better and tears came out of her eyes. Someone put me out of my misery. My heart is shattered and the pain is unbearable. I hate seeing my sweet aunt is so much dang pain!!! They’ve tied her hands to the bed! I’m claustrophobic and feel an anxiety attack building rapidly so I ask her nurse why she’s tied. I’m told that she took her NG tube out twice yesterday… But she allows me to untie her hands as long as I stay in the room with her. It’s a deal! So while her hands are untied I gently rub them and try to bend her fingers ever so gently trying to work the stiffness out of them. Her hands and fingers are so swollen. They are about 3-4 sizes larger than normal due to all the hydration she’s being pumped with. That and the lack of movement, I’m assuming. She’s a beautiful sight to see lying there breathing in and out!

Her pulse rate is down a bit, BP is up a bit and her CVP is up as well. Urine output is still too low, considering she received 14 bags of fluid yesterday. That must be why she’s so swollen. She also received 2 units of blood today. It was either because of yesterdays fluids that her blood was really thinned out, and Kath just needed a little extra. Or from the surgery, because there was a little blood in the stool and they didn’t know if Kathey had some internal bleeding… After a 2nd blood sample, [Thank you, God] we found there was no internal bleeding!

I’m staying the night with her -- as I cannot bear to leave her in case the pain meds wear down again and she becomes too awake and more aware of her pain.

Tonight I told her why she was in ICU… and in so much pain… I hope I didn’t make a mistake… She was looking at me with so many questions in her eyes. I’ve always been honest and open with my aunt -- I couldn’t lie -- she’d know if I was. Besides she deserved to know how well she’s been fighting a great fight!

DAY 2 -- THURSDAY, 14 JANUARY 2010

Day two, and she’s still fighting! Yeah! Her blood pressure is still too low and her pulse rate is too high… Her urine output is too low, but to be expected especially considering how dehydrated she was, is what the nurse tells me. Her CVP [central venous pressure] is a 3 and the nurse would like for it to be a 10-12 within the next 24 hours…. It’s a 3 due to the dehydration. Dehydration, again. She has bags hanging everywhere. Her face is so swollen as well as her fingers and hands. I’ve never seen so many tubes and wires in my life.

She’s still hooked up to an NG tube as well as the ventilator. I’m glad they are providing her with oxygen. I’m also glad, it’s not life support. I do have to say, that her color is much better than I expected -- could be an effect from the anesthesia or one of the meds she’s receiving… I take hope that it’s her color!

DAY 1 - WEDNESDAY, 13 JANUARY 2010

Grama asked Kath if she’d go to the hospital and Kath said, “Not yet, Mom.” Kath was hoping if she waited just a few more minutes the pain would go away. She hates going to the hospital. Though she is a retired nurse and spent many, many days, nites and hours in a hospital caring for the sick and injured she has always hated the idea of being the one in need of care. She’s independent like that. So in hopes that just 5 more minutes of waiting would bring comfort and release from the gripping pain, instead her blood pressure continued to drop unbeknownst to all.

Finally, she told my grama she was ready to go. So my grama asked her if she needed to call me from work or if she should call my son who happens to be home from work next door. My aunt Kath said call the squad (the ambulance), because she couldn’t stand up on her own. Grama knew she was even in worse trouble than 5 seconds before!

The ambulance arrived and true enough Kathey cannot stand up on her own. It took the paramedics picking her up, (she’s dehydrated down to not much over 100-pounds [our assessment is about 112]) and carried her outdoors to the stretcher where they began to take her vitals. The paramedic that took her blood pressure, was not happy at all and called it out 3 times to the one writing them down to assure he heard him. Her bp was 70-something over 40-something. They wasted no time getting her rolling down the road to ER. She was VERY dehydrated. I’m sure that by evening she would have been dead. She struggled to keep consciousness.

Dehydration is to be expected when one cannot keep anything down after several days of vomiting! Which was only a repeat of several episodes back to back week after week. She could never recover before she was repeating it all over again. Nourishment was a luxury she just didn’t seem to be afforded. She was withering away…

Day One found Kathey in the ER and eventually into surgery, where the Surgeon finds her small intestines riddled with scleroderma and necrosis. The scleroderma has been the root of the problem all along. All this time that she’s been having severe stomach pain -- it has been the scleroderma. With all the necrosis, the surgeon had no choice but to remove it -- infection had set in. Kathey had been running a fever. She took all of the diseased small intestine she could and left as little of it as she had to keep Kath alive. The risk is that the scleroderma could still be lurking around in there, as well as necrosis could still be residual in the fringes of what is remaining…. But no more could be taken. To take more was a death sentence. As it is, she only has a 50/50 chance of survival at this time. The first 24-48 hours were the most crucial for her….

Prayers are very appreciated!

KATHEY'S KORNER

I begin this blog so that my aunt will know what all she’s went through when she is well enough to take over the blogging herself. You’ll never meet another person who is such a fighter as my Aunt Kathey. My aunt suffers from a nasty disease called, scleroderma. It’s controlled her life for several years now, but most severely this past year. In the past 2 ½ months, she’s been hospitalized 4 times. This last time has brought us to this blog. The scleroderma caused necrosis in her small intestines causing her surgeon to remove as much as possible of her small intestines to save her life, but yet leave enough to allow her to live. We cannot live with out the precious organ of our small intestines. She has the bare minimum.

As of today, 4 days after surgery, we still do not know if what remains has necrosis or even scleroderma. The surgeon took as much as possible of what was diseased and dead, leaving what she had no choice to leave… not knowing what could be left on the fringes of what is left…

Kathey remains in ICU, in a critical state and very severe pain. We had hoped that on day 3 the ventilator would come out, but after her surgeon’s partner evaluated her he made the decision not to remove it anytime soon. The explanation made good sense and is in the best interest of my aunt, though I’m sure at this time if she knew our thoughts, she’d probably hate us all. She wants it out, along with the NG tube and she wants to come home. She hates being in hospitals. Due to the high amounts of pain medications she is on, the smallest increase or decrease could cause her vitals &/or respiratory distress requiring her to be incubated again and time is of the essence and Kath doesn’t have time -- that’s how critical she is. Thus the need for her to continue with the ventilator. The good news she is breathing 80% on her own.

I seen for myself what too little pain meds do to her vitals and breathing. It’s not pretty. My heart was broken. My aunt DOES NOT COMPLAIN -- EVER!!! And to see her in so much pain…. I couldn’t take it! I did not want to leave her side. NO ONE should ever have to endure so much pain as she was having to endure at that time. She was getting X amount of drips of pain meds per hour at the time and then it was upped to more than 3 times the original amount of continuous drips per hour.. Once the drip was changed, my aunt was able to calm down and sleep once again. As well as the meds for sedation were able to kick in. She has such a high tolerance to meds that what would normally work for you and I -- it takes so much more for her.

Now, her surgeon’s partner wants to try to back her off some of the pain meds, because he doesn’t like her being on such high doses. I wish they wouldn’t reduce her pain meds anytime soon. She needs to rest to heal. It’s too soon to put her through this right now.

She still only has a 50/50 chance of survival at this time. Don’t make her suffer…

We all pray -- All the time…

If you are reading this … Please pray for my aunt… She needs all the prayers she can possibly get at this time. I do believe in the power of prayer, as does she. This I know.

God bless all!

-- Tonya