Happy Birthday, Grama.
My Grama is spending her birthday caring for her daughter in the hospital, watching her breathe in and breathe out. Her daughter who is her very dear and best friend. Her daughter who sleeps so soundly, she doesn't move a muscle; she might twitch an eye muscle occassionaly, but other than that, she just sleeps...and breathes.
My Grama has spent her birthday checking drainage bags, checking pain medication schedules, talking to nurses, washing my aunt's face, talking to my mom and I about care schedules, adjusting my aunt's oxygen mask... Some celebration...
She should be celebrating it with my aunt Kath -- AWAKE, VIBRANTLY ALIVE, AND WELL!!!! This isn't a very "happy" birthday... It's a birthday, but not a happy one...
I'm very grateful to have my Grama alive and well. Though I wonder just how "well" she feels when her heart is broken... Can't feel that great... I know how mine feels... Empty... Angry... Hollow... Nauseated... Achy... Desperate for a miracle...
I'm so grateful for the past 2 years that Kath and Grama have driven down to spend time with me and my family [I know that they didn't do it just for me, they did it for my Mom as well!] I still am grateful and feel blessed that Kath is here during this sacred time, that I can be here with her during this; that I am able to be with my Grama during this sacred time. Yes, I do think dying is a sacred time. It's a time when the dying is close to God and Jesus, thus making it sacred...
Kath's color remains great. Her breathing is steady and actually calmer than ever. It has less "gurgle" to it than before. She's receiving less meds to keep her sedated, staying asleep on her own without it. Her oxygen count and pulse rate remain steady and about the same as when she was brought up from ICU. Her swelling hasn't went down any. Many of her blisters have popped turning into nasty looking sores. She is still extremely sore to the touch. We heard actually cough for the first time in a couple of days, though she didn't wake to do so, as she had been doing in the past. She didn't wake this morning as she had the past two mornings. I'm so thankful that Grama was able to speak to her yesterday via the phone... Kath just appears to be in a very peaceful sleep... Her friend Jan called. We always tell her when someone calls asking about her. We still believe and hope that she can still hear us. I don't leave without telling her what's going on. I want her to know... Because I do think she can hear. Maybe she won't remember when she wakes - I feel better just for telling her... She's such a special gal! I love her and am going to miss her so badly!
I love you, Kath Jo!
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